I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
