there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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