Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
