dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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