Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this beer tastes like vomit already
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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