And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
