tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
