They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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