Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
