I need to stop coming to work sober
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
