We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
