Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
