Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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