ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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