is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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