My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
