My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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