why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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