Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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