Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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