You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
