like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
