I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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