who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
