oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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