zippers are such a cool invention
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
