I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
