I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
