Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
