I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
