I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
