hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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