New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He better not be in your backpack
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
