Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
