I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
