Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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