We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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