She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
