I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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