bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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