Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
