He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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