That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
