i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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