My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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