Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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