this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
