i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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