I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
