Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
