is your mom at the bar?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
