while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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