btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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