It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
