Dude my mom stole all your condoms
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
All the doctor said was why
I enjoy the company of your penis
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
